This didn't happen in my Fantasies...

Ok I can finally admit it. I am a pain loving slut. Pain gets me wetter, hornier and more turned on then anything else. I get hot from both the sensations themselves and the emotional links to being out of control, humiliated, under duress, suffering, and being afraid. I crave controlled pain, I want it, I need it, I want it hard, I want more of it, I want to be broken down, I want to cry, and I want to want it to stop. Hurt me, please. Make me suffer, please. Deny me, tie me, whip me, tease me, spank me, cane me, flog me, humiliate me, choke me, slap me, clamp me...please. When it comes to pain I am selfish and greedy. I want it, I enjoy it, its a reward, its a pleasure. Please make me hurt.

Wow, now that only took me years to admit. Just wanted to go the whole mile and admit it to all who stop to read it. When I first entered my relationship with my master I entered with a bag load of yummy fantasies that I had rubbed off to over the years. In those fantasies, which I wrote and scripted I had 0 control. Id be kidnapped, or rapped, or blackmailed...but poor, poor me had to experience exactly the kind of pain I wanted, in exactly the situation I wanted, for as long as I wanted. Poor victim me! I didn't want the pain (oh lets get the bad guy to tie me up and whip me next) I didn't want the humiliation (I furiously masturbate as I decide the bad guy slaps me in the face and forces me to suck his cock). It was all (oh so deliciously) out of my control.

So remove my fingers from my pussy and enter reality. I have a perfectly wholesome, take home to your parents type, treat me well sort of guy. He is also willing to be a perfectly horrendous bastard and take me to my knees in pain and humiliation. Perfect. Just one small problem. In the non consensual fantasies I had scripted, written and directed I was never asked to communicate. I just got hurt and mistreated with 0 control, well at least that's how I wrote it to play out. They read something like this.

M. I am going to fuck you up so bad bitch,.
s. fuck you, you bastard let me go.
M. (beats the shit out of me)
s. (curses and screams and begs)

Now along came reality and things didn't quite go that way. Sure I still got beaten but he actually wanted input, wanted into my head, wanted me to make choices. I freaked out, choices and opinions felt way too much like control so I evaded. Dramatized examples:

M. Do you want more bitch?
s. I don't know.
M. How many strokes should I give you?
s. As many as you want Master.
M. What should I hurt you with?
s. Whatever you want Master.
M. Did you enjoy yourself?
s. Yes Master.
M. What did you enjoy?
s. All of it
M. What was your favorite.
s.I don't know, I liked all of it

I am privy to the knowledge that this style of interaction was infuriating. I was ordered to write a journal about my fantasies. I wrote nice, pretty fantasies based in reality with him as the star. I was ordered to answer the questions, I obeyed with trite, monosyllabic, non enlightening responses. This all would of been a bigger problem if my non verbal communication wasn't excellent. Also, massive orgasms, sped up breathing and huge smiles when it was done answered many of his questions for me.

Things have changed. Ive grown comfortable with him, Ive grown up. Ive learned through my one serious punishment that when I don't want pain it doesn't turn me on. Ive learned that communication really makes things better. Ive also learned that wanting pain and begging for it puts him in even more control then before. He knows what I like, what I want, and its all in his hands whether or not I get it. He has said before that he gets off on controlling both my pain and my pleasure. If I don't tell him which is which then really I am controlling things more then if I tell him exactly what triggers everything pushes. EUREAKA! In reality being tortured by a bad man just isn't hot. Being lead blindfolded down a path of pain and pleasure by a guy that loves you and knows just how to mess with you most- now that's hot.

So things have changed. My self acceptance as a masochist has opened up many new ways for him to torture me. some examples.

s. Please Master, would you hurt me just a little more before I leave?
M. We will see bitch, I'm kinda tired.

M. How many strokes can you take?
s. maybe 20 master?
M. good, lets double it.

s. Master I love it when you shove your cock down your throat and cut off my air.
M. It feels good?
s. No, it feels humiliating and makes me panic that I cant breath. Its so hard not to choke and gag and it makes my throat burn from the use and later my voice is all raspy.
M. and you like it.
s. Yes master.
(files info away, now he can humiliate me by reminding me I like it, reward me with lots of it when he wants to, tease me by withholding his cock and if he wants to punish me he knows that that activity is out.)

So this pain slut has finally figured out how to rectify non consensual fantasies with reality. knowledge is power, his power.